Siddhearta's Essence of 2020.

I am not going to lie, 2020 was a challenging year. In Buddhist practice we often find this sentiment:

Transform obstacles into the path of awakening. 

Well, 2020 decided to just throw everything at us at once. How do we stay present, generous, receptive and kind amidst a global pandemic, natural disasters, rampant job loss, economic fallout, social unrest, homeschooling, and oh, an election year? Chances are you don't. And that's okay, that's why we call it a practice. You practice being present, practice being kind, practice being generous, practice being receptive. You practice and you fail, a lot. 

This year was particularly challenging for me. I lost my father-in-law and two close friends to non-COVID related deaths. One of my regular practices is to engage in the traditional Buddhist 49 days of practice after someone dies, as a way to show up for them as they transition through the death process into their next life. It allows for a natural way to grieve, while also honoring the connection that you have and still have after someone has passed from this life. At one point in August after I had been doing the practice daily since mid-May, I began to wonder if I would ever stop doing the practice. My father-in-law and two close friends died in successive months, and this was accompanied by the many other people I knew through work or through acquaintances that died due to COVID-19. My 49 day practice ended up coming to a close at the end of August, and yet how many have we lost since then...

2020 forced all of us to reconsider how we show up in the world. We were forced to reshape our lives, change the way we work, learn, interact. Things that we used to do are no longer options, and things we never imagined doing have become normal (wearing a mask at work all day). In one way, we have all come to appreciate what matters most in our lives, and we have all slowed down a bit to take advantage of those things. 

Despite all of the challenges of this year, there were still opportunities that came to light. Our Sangha has transformed into a thriving online community, though we no doubt look forward to the chance to reconnect again for retreats in person. We also started the Dharma Conversations Podcast this year and have published over a dozen episodes so far. I also finished up editing a book for my teacher, Younge Khachab Rinpoche, expected to be released this spring. Stay tuned for more details. 

As I look back at this past year, I realize how fortunate me and my family have been and I am grateful that I have such a supportive network of family and friends. It is hard to imagine having to navigate the uncertainty of this year without those connections. Much was lost this year and it is easier to appreciate just how precious and fragile this life really is. I am also tired and weary and would like a break, and I am sure you would too. Hang in there, find some time for yourself, recognize your own needs amidst all of the chaos. Give yourself the needed break of putting aside all the media, the worrisome thoughts and stories. Don't punish yourself with unnecessary expectations. It is enough to be present amidst uncertainty,  without a clear handle of how things are going to work out or when this is all going to be over. 

Here are some of my better posts from this year:

For your practice: 

Spacious Awareness
A metaphor for timeless awareness.
The Royal Seat of Akanishtha.
The journey to the center of it all. 
Carry on.
Exploring mind and its nature. 
Two pespectives on mind. 
Fulfillment, found. 

Pandemic contemplations:

In search of the normal day.
Last chance to share thanks. 
Not doing is hard work. 

Conscious Leadership and institutional racism

"I am not a leader."
I am a contribution. 
#BlackLivesMatter. *Conditional terms apply
Conscious citizens of the world
Model of conscious leadership
Five elements of conscious leadership

In search of the normal day.

It is interesting to see how much comfort we find in controlling the world around us. We find comfort and safety in our habitual routines, the repetitiveness of the normal day. We may complain about being busy, or the weariness of our everyday ordinary life, but we would take that normal day just about any day.

We know what to expect on a normal day. We are familiar with our everyday pains and problems. We know what things we have to get done and what time constraints we need to balance. Sure, some of the day to day is annoying, but it is predictable.

In times of uncertainty, we still need to carry the ordinary pains of our life, but we are faced with the demanding task of needing to make new decisions without clarity. Every single day, the variables change and the choices we made yesterday need to be reexamined and thought through. The effort this process takes is emotionally and cognitively taxing. Layer on top of that anxiety and the existential threat of getting sick and dying, and you have a recipe for overwhelm.

Our bodies and minds are used to dealing with overwhelm. We are bombarded by information on a daily basis, too much information to process. So we put up a filter to limit what we notice, the rest is just noise that can be ignored and placed in the background. In order to cope with overwhelm, we yearn to exercise control over our lives and our environment. We set up boundaries, make up new routines or habits, set up a new cycle that we can repeat. We seek to recreate the normal day, or at least to build a new normal.

Uncertainty, overwhelm, seeking control and trying to find a place of balance and stability are shared experiences of the human condition that we have faced for millennia. Wealth, status, and strong communities can protect us from these experiences, but none of us are immune. The poor and weak suffer these even during supposed 'good times'.

To understand that, to bear witness to this basic fear and drive, is to appreciate the first noble truth- the reality of the human predicament.

Embrace the human predicament.
Let go of reactivity and fixation.
Behold our authentic condition, pure open presence.
Practice the path, free from the extremes of indulgence or severe austerities. 

As you become more willing and able to navigate times of uncertainty, you will also be more patient and understanding of the fear and uncertainty of others.

Be a light for them along the way,
a pole on which they can lean.
Be a center of gravity to revolve around,
as they orbit an unfamiliar world.

Lucid dreaming and dream yoga.

A well known but uncommon practice of the Buddhist meditative tradition is the practice of dream yoga. Most of what you hear about dream yoga is the spectacular stories and experiences people have during lucid dreaming. Everyone has heard the tale of flying in your dreams, or exploring unknown lands, the heavens, or even the depths of the ocean. These stories are often other-worldly and quite unlike our everyday waking experience, so they are fun to hear and talk about.

I am not going to discourage you from exploring the hidden territories and landscape of the dream world. Maybe you will find something that you are looking for, or come away with some insight that you can carry with you on your journey. At the very least, lucid dreaming is interesting and fun.

Dream yoga is a practice of waking up, gaining some insight into who we are so that we can recognize our true nature and show up in the world more fully. With this understanding, using lucid dreams to go on adventures or have a good time seems a little mundane. We start to realize that lucid dreaming also provides great potential for mining the depths of our own wisdom and manifesting our innate Buddha nature in a very experiential way. There are many ways to do this, but I invite you to consider a quote by the great master Padampa Sangye:

Go to places that scare you.  In haunted places, seek the Buddha within.  

Use the practice of dream yoga to wake up. Go to the places that scare you, that bring up fear. Use that fear to 'wake up' in the dream. A Buddha is 'one who is awake', and that is what lucid dreaming is all about, knowing that you are awake in the dream and that this is a dream. 

Think about your normal experience of a dream. You are normally immersed in the plot as it unfolds and have no power or control over what happens. You just go along for the ride as a bystander and are subject to experiencing the highs and lows of this subjectively real dream world as they come. Does this sound a little bit like waking life? 

Normally, it is only after we awaken from the dream that we discover freedom and a sense of relief, "Ah, thank goodness. That was just a dream." In dream yoga, the key difference is that you wake up in the dream, knowing it is a dream. When you wake up in the dream you discover a natural freedom because you know that what you are experiencing isn't real. It can't hurt you, it can change. 

"This is a dream. This isn't real. I am free." That's a nice sort of mantra for waking up in the dream.

With this insight, going to places that scare you is a powerful way to look at what you are holding onto. What is that monster? It looks terrifying, but what is it really? Who is it that is chasing you and what are you running from? 

Waking up in those dreams allows us to look at our own confusion and grasping. It allows us to invite the hidden recesses of our mind into the light. I see you, I hear you, I understand. Those are just as powerful in the dream world as they are in the real world. 

Waking up in this way, we might ask ourselves, "What would Buddha do?" As a Buddha, what would you do?

How does our wisdom and generosity show up in the world? How do we exercise compassion and patience in difficult situations? How do we maintain an open and responsive presence when we are in the midst of confusion and overwhelm? 

These are questions that we struggle with during the day, and questions that we can continue to work with during the night. 

Go confidently into the darkness. Find the light within.

Give yourself the gift of your practice.

"What am I going to get out of this?"

My Qiqong teacher Kim Ivy was posed this question recently. The beginner wants to have a glimpse of the promised result. They want to know that what they are doing is going to be of benefit. Most likely, they want to get rid of the fear of being a beginner and feeling awkward about what they are doing. Most of us feel enough insecurity and uncertainty as it is, why put ourselves in situations that expose our insecurities?

You might practice yoga, qiqong, meditation or any other form of the internal arts. Each of these benefits our body and mind, improves our health and prolongs our longevity. Each of these encourages a sense of well being, and that might be all that you need to get out of them.

My experience has been that our bodies and mind as largely a mystery to us. You notice this most when you are sick or endure an injury, the question of "How do I get better?" becomes paramount. Even in otherwise healthy states we still experience weird sensations in our bodies, our minds run scripts we can't seem to shake, and we feel a sense of dissatisfaction and unease. Sit still for a moment in meditation and you might notice just how uncomfortable you are in your own body- shifting your leg, scratching an itch, straightening your neck.

We often feel at odds against ourselves.

The curious thing about practices like yoga, qiqong and meditation is that they train you to look at your experience. They teach you, slowly, to not react to what is coming up in your experience. They expose imbalances and resistance, teaching you how to correct and find balance. Interestingly enough, you learn not to fight your body and mind, but how to work with your body and mind.

Over time, we learn to be friends with ourselves. We learn to be comfortable in our own skin. Being more accepting of ourselves, we can be more present and available for others. Instead of protecting ourselves and hiding our insecurities, we learn to stand with dignity in openness and vulnerability. Like a child learning to walk and falling often, we can learn to walk through the world with this type of posture. Of course we too will fall, and that is why we always come back to our practice.

Learning to check in with yourself, to look into the great mystery of our body and mind, and to gain some understanding of the complexity of this human life- this is one of the greatest gifts that we can give ourselves.

It is also one of the greatest gifts that we can share with the world.

Get comfortable with not knowing what you are going to get out of this. Give yourself the gift of showing up and simply devoting yourself to the practice of self-discovery.

You might be surprised at what you find.

Easier to carry the familiar.

Form is much easier to carry.

Many of us, most of us perhaps, find that our situation is not quite what we would hope it to be. Maybe we have a few pounds to lose, or maybe our relationships are not quite as good as we would like them. Maybe we could get a better job, or a nicer house in a better neighborhood.

But we already know all of this. We think about it every day, or whenever it's a slow weekend, or maybe whenever we get a chance to get out of the city. We think about what our life could be.

But it isn't what it could be, it is what it is.

There is a gap between the life we imagine and the life that we are living. In that gap lies uncertainty.

Uncertainty is formless. It is by nature unknown. The unknown is rather scary, certainly much scarier than our current situation however miserable it might be.

You see, our current situation has a form that we recognize. We know it and even if we don't like it, we develop various ways to cope and more often than not to dream.

But uncertainty has no form. We don't know how to carry it. We don't know how to leverage the possibility or to leap into the darkness. Surely we must land somewhere, for we must all be somewhere right? But alas, it is perhaps more in our nature to grit our teeth and keep on working harder. We are good at working harder.

Attention follows intention.

When we direct the mind in meditation, it is important that we start out with a clear instruction. Notice the way that our intention shapes and directs our practice.

Let's use the example of meditating on the breath.

If our intention is, "I'm going to meditate on the breath." First, we start noticing the breath at the nostrils. Then our attention slowly drifts to noticing the breath at the belly. Again the attention drifts to noticing the breath as the rib cage expands and contracts.

In this instance, the mind is focusing on the breath, but it is wandering as it becomes bored with the breath at a certain area. The lack of clarity and specificity means we have given our attention permission to wander. Uncertainty leads to restlessness.

Let's try this again, this time we are going to meditate on the breath at the belly. First, we start noticing the belly rise and fall. Then we start noticing the rib cage expand and contract. Wait! We recall our intention to focus on the belly and with mindfulness, bring our attention back to the belly.

Then we resume our practice.

Gradually, with a clear intention, our attention becomes more stable and our practice progresses. Attention follows intention.

Don't stir up trouble.

It is often easier to have a problem and figure out how to solve it
than it is to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing.

The trick is,
in times of uncertainty,
don't go stirring up problems
just to escape the uncertainty.

Go to places that scare you.

Padampa Sangye made a prophecy to the great female saint Machig Labdron, part of which includes:

Go to places that scare you.  In haunted places, seek the Buddha within yourself.  

He revealed to her that the fruit of her practice was to be found in those places that evoke a lot of emotional and mental discomfort.  Rangjung Dorje says:

Rest wherever your mind is afraid and terrified- that is a place of practice.  

Where do we encounter a lot of resistance in our lives?  What places really challenge us, push our buttons?  Where do we feel intense aversion and the impulse to leave?

Those are the places we should be applying our practice.

Our practice should include a place we can go for refuge and find peace and clarity, where we can rest in our natural buddhanature.  But it should also include places that scare us. 

Can we discover the Buddha within amidst fear and uncertainty?  We should try.  

Feeling stuck.

Disbelief is a refusal or unwillingness to accept something as true. 

Disbelief is categorized as one of the fifty-one negative mental states in the Abhidharmakosa. It is a negative mental state because disbelief supports torpor.  It engenders laziness or lethargy.  It supports feeling stagnant or stuck, not knowing what to do.

Many of us are faced with times of uncertainty.  Part of that uncertainty is an unwillingness to accept our current situation, a refusal to look at what is actually going on.  That unwillingness to accept our reality makes us feel stuck and powerless, but it is not actually the situation that makes us powerless but our orientation to it.

Our mental state- one of unwillingness or refusal to acknowledge what is going on- prevents us from actually acting.  It prevents us from moving forward, from taking a step.  It holds us back because in order to dance we need to have a partner, and I refuse to dance with this one.

So getting unstuck is an act of faith.  Not because we need to believe the reality of our situation, but because we can still seek out what is authentic and true despite the gravity of the current circumstances.  

Our biggest challenge is determining which holds more weight in our lives, faith or disbelief. Without faith we are sure to be stuck in troubled waters indeed.

Working with uncertainty.

You will experience uncertainty on the path.  We can turn and hide from it, or learn to carry it into our practice.   

In the beginning, turn it into a question.  Use it as a marker for curiosity.  Try to resolve it.

In the middle, allow it to refine your practice.  Use it to find the edges and break them down.  Allow it to give rise to dissonance and resistance so you know where to focus your attention.   

In the end, no one has walked this path before.  You are forging an new trail, uncertainty lies just around the next bend.  Keep going. 

Sitting with uncertainty.

Uncertainty, doubt, hesitation.  

How often are we plagued by these maladies?  How often to they influence our path or lead us astray?  

How often do we find ourselves waiting?  Waiting for the right time, the right conditions.  Waiting to get picked or promoted, or told what to do.    

Uncertainty hides in the shadows of our intention.  When we encounter it, we often step out of our posture, or move for the small reprieve it gives us.  We may try to stay busy, reach for distraction, or entertain the discomfort away just so we can feel normal again.  

In uncertain times we yearn for control.  We wonder about our future, the future of our family and loved ones, the future of our community and world.  We spend sleepless nights caught up in the cycle of hope and fear, playing out dramas of gain and loss, praise and shame.  

But uncertainty really prevents us from moving forward.  Our intention may be strong, but we lack the focus to carry it through.  Our intention may be clear, but we don't feel we have the power to carry it out. 

Sitting with uncertainty may be the most powerful thing you can do. 

Face the resistance.
Don't avert your eyes.
Don't turn from it.
Don't waver.
Just sit. 

Donning the armor of patience,
With the sharp sword of mindfulness,
and all the grit you can muster,
breakthrough to openness, clarity and insight.
Then step forward with generosity, kindness and love.  

Time to heal.

We are sick.  Divided. 

This infection runs deep.  Much deeper than we expected, certainly more than we would like to acknowledge.

It doesn't look good.  We don't feel good.  Our future is uncertain. 

We sit, alone in the darkness, wondering how this could happen.  To us. 

Alone, grasping for any words than may grant a moment of solace. 

Alone.  In the darkness. 

People rarely talk about their experience conversing with death.  They don't like to acknowledge the possibility themselves, so it is often too awkward to talk about it with others.  Yet, one who is conversant with death knows one thing to be true.

Make being alone and in the darkness your friend. 

This space, this 3am empty world, with its shadows and resonant hum is often your only home.  It may often manifest as torment in all its variety, but it is yours and you make of it what you will.

Make friends with it.  Make friends with your own mind. 

It is in this space that you will discover what you need to continue to push forward.  It is here, that you discover how to be healthy when you know a cure is not possible.

We are sick, but we are not going to turn our lives over to this sickness.  Our future is uncertain, but for now, we sit in darkness.    

Preparation for solitude.

Retreats are often very intense experiences.  They are immersive in nature.  A retreat should offer no alternative to escape into mundane distraction and idleness. 

Solo retreats can be even more intense.  You don't have the support of other practitioners around you.  You don't have that companionship and the ability to simply share a cup of tea.  Those seeking to go on a retreat into solitude should prepare themselves.

Self-reliant.

Is your practice strong enough that you can be self-sufficient without the guidance and support of your teacher or fellow students?

Know how to work with resistance and uncertainty.

How will you work with doubt and uncertainty on your own?  How will you overcome emotional uprising and commotion?

Be healthy.

A retreat is not a time to work with illness or disease.  Enter the retreat in a healthy state of body and mind. 

Free yourself from mundane activities.

You are entering retreat with a strong intention.  You are committed to the practice and have isolated this brief moment in time.  Don't waste it checking your email, social networks, calling and texting your friends.  Pay your bills before the retreat, stock up on food and necessities and identify those moments when your mind is grasping for something to entertain it.

Be decisive about the view.

Understanding the view, all practices fall into place.  Doubts naturally free themselves and problems arise as opportunities to let go.  Resolve all doubt and uncertainty regarding the view with your teacher, when you are confident in the view you are ready for retreat.  

Control.

Even though the path is formless, groundless and beyond what we can know or imagine;
your practice gives you a sense of control.

Even though the path is continually arising and ceasing, manifesting in infinite forms and possibilities;
your practice gives you confidence.

There is great satisfaction to be found in having a practice that teaches you how to maintain a way of abiding amidst uncertainty and fear.  

Myth.

There is a certain myth that some people are susceptible to regarding their own practice.  It tends to draw people in, hooks them, ushers them along so they keep going. 

It is the myth that your practice will make you a better person.  The myth that you will be redeemed, made to be of value.  It is the myth of the conceivable but not the reality, the fanciful stories we tell ourselves about who we could be as we regale ourselves with stories of immortality.  Many follow that myth for years, working to be better, to fit reality with their vision, to be more happy.  Really they are working to cover up the self-judgement and contempt that pervades our life.

The myth lives on in a self-centered practice.  You are the practice, and the fruition you seek is a more complete you.  But you can't win, because from the very beginning you have created a chasm that cannot be crossed and every misstep confirms your failure.   

The practice you need is the one that makes you human.  The one that enables you to walk with pain, to sit with uncertainty and to dance with fear.  Practice so that you might be more kind to others, that you might extend your hand because you are able.

Let the fairy tale fall apart.  Let the masquerade come to an end.  The myth may have brought you here, but you don't need to keep believing it.

A true practice opens your heart and your mind, and you can experience that to be true.    

Turning pessimism into practice.

We all have moments of doubts and uncertainty.  It is easy to be pessimistic today with the decline in community and social values, rampant political and religious misconduct, along with our materialistic culture that emphasizes name, fame and fortune.  We could use pessimism to further isolate ourselves, to protect ourselves from vulnerability and to build up higher and higher walls of insulation.

Or we could bring our pessimism into our practice.

"I can't do this."  Why not?  Let's look deeper.  Is it because you might fail or because you literally don't have the skills to do this?  Is it possible but simply requires too much work that you cannot take up right now?  What is it that you are getting stuck on?

"This isn't going to work."  Maybe that is true.  Maybe you are doing something that has never been done before and this might not work.  That would be okay.  Actually, that would be great.  You would be pushing the envelope, testing your limits.  If it has already worked for someone else, but you don't think it is going to work for you, why? 

"I need a break." Okay, rest.  But are you resting so you can stop, so you can turn around and go home?  Are you resting because you are physically tired or is your mind picking limits for you? 

Pessimism really gives us a chance to examine ourselves, to examine our limits and our fear.  It can provide us with insight and understanding, while still entertaining doubt and uncertainty. 

It is okay to have doubt and uncertainty, but use it for examination.  Use it for insight on your path.

Wisdom and compassion

As we train in openness, we learn to dance with fear.

We learn to work with fixation, with where we are stuck.
We learn to shed light on our doubt and uncertainty.
We see where we are holding onto a ground, protecting ourselves.
We become more tolerant, more willing to hang with discomfort.
We are raw, exposed, vulnerable.

As we break through fixation, grasping and vulnerability,
we open up to the wisdom of selflessness.

Abiding in the wisdom of selflessness,
one knows peace of mind, an inner calm and wealth.

There is a bit of a danger that one could become attached to that state of peaceful quiescence,
which is why it is important to practice compassion.

Compassion gives the wisdom of selflessness form.
It gives you direction, a strong posture.

Compassion is not pity, it is not "Oh, that poor thing."
Compassion is responsive.  It is dynamic.
It can be peaceful or fierce, but it is always for the sake of benefiting others.

As we act, we are prone to fear.
We are stepping out of the peace and calm, moving forward into uncertainty and fear.

It is definitely easier not to act, to stay with what you know and let others do the work.
Which is why we continue to practice openness, the union of wisdom and compassion.

"I don't know what to do".

Which is why you practice.

To sit with uncertainty, fear and frustration.
To not get overwhelmed by waves of anger and fatigue.
To maintain openness, even a possibility of openness.
To practice patience when it no longer seems possible.
To push on when you feel like giving up.

You might not know what to do, and that is okay. 

You don't need to know the right answer for what you are up against.  Persevering in your practice might be the only answer available. 

What do you want to do today?

There is so much opportunity in that question.

We tend to fill that void with errands, entertainment, consumption and distraction.  We fill it with browsing, shopping, social media and all sorts of sudden urges. We fill it with many things that have no lasting value.  Illusions you could say.

So what do you want to do today?

I am tired of chasing illusions.  Tired and weary.

It is not so much that my life is really that busy.  I make it busy in order to avoid answering that question in a meaningful way.  It is easier to consume and be entertained.  Easier to remove myself from the irritation of being open and present with that incredible opportunity.  Easier to stay distracted than face the uncertainty and discomfort that arises when you don't actually have an answer. 

I can't say what value having a spiritual practice will bring to your life.  What I can say with confidence is that having your own practice will allow you to sit with uncertainty, with doubt and discomfort.  It will allow you to pause for a moment before neurosis leads you down illusion's game.

You might end up being honest and certain about who you are in an authentic and genuine way.

When you are authentic and genuine, you discover an inexhaustible wealth that wants to be shared.  It wants to connect, lend a hand, share a laugh and benefit others.

What do you want to do today?

Postscript: Awaiting your fate.

As a postscript while you wait,

Does it matter?

If you are going to live to see another day, how will you spend it?
If you are not and your time has come, what now?

Your freedom from the confines of your fate only comes right now.  There is no other time to be free.  The cycle is perpetuated right now, while you wait.  My own fear, doubt and uncertainty perpetuate the cycle.

Whether you have much time or little is not the point, the point is to be free as it arises.

Liberation upon arising means that you are not overcome by your fate, nor overcome by the world.  You take it as it comes- the good, the bad and the ugly.

Let it be, as it is.  

Open.  Unwavering.  Fearless.